man's search for meaning

just had lunch with a new friend and then had a random conversation with a stranger trying to recruit for children's international. i am now sponsoring a child, but that's not the point of this.

lunch got me thinking about how i can tie my work into benefitting humanity in some way. overall i've been feeling empty about my imprint on this world. environmentally i am extremely prudent, but i mean my imprint on the human condition. at the exact moment i was reflecting on and feeling rather pathetic about doing literally nothing with my money but drinking it away, paying bills, and benefitting myself i was, as fate would have it, approached by a young lady.

timing is everything. though i have no belief in God anymore, this concept of 'fate' is always being grappled with in my mind. opportunities are presented on a daily basis, and i try to remain open to them. time unfortunately does not always allow, but i find these days when i have nothing planned and i'm just wandering home or wandering on my way somewhere are when i have the most meaningful interactions. and it seems that whenever i am particularly plagues by a thought something happens that is extremely relevant to that thought process - something that provokes further thought or leads to an insight. this has been occurring for many years now, since i hung out with homeless men on the train tracks in college. i always learn something from these experiences, if i remain open to them. the other week i chatted with a homeless man, i met a scholar in a bar, and skated with people i met biking.

back to these thoughts: lately i'm bothered by my inadequacy to benefit humanity. by my selfishness.

since moving to a city i've been thinking heavily about how i am giving back and if i am living my life with meaning. in a day to day sense, i live passionately, but for me. my work is meaningless, i do nothing that leaves me feeling fulfilled. i live a life of selfishness, of self-pleasures.

the past few years have been an awakening in every way possible, and i'm glad to be on this continuous journey, but goodness is it a long journey.

i'm on fire right now//inject yr neon into my skin//steal the color from my lips//paint it back with yr tongue

saved as draft

this one was about unbridled passion
it was called 'greedy love'
and it expressed my desire to be desired
and wanted
and appreciated
and fucked
and loved

but maybe you get the point now
in less words


damn it
i censor myself

fa[t/d]ed

these things
i hold dear
as the pressure to escape
strengthens stronger
well, i guess i'll stay now

i thought this song was by someone else
it's so familiar
imagine my surprise when i traced the sound
back to your mouth, to your throat
you, a porcelain doll sitting on the shelf
motionless, only parting your lips to sing

i'll slap myself silly
i'm already crazy
i just need to hear it out
i already know the ending
and it's my favorite part

quickly, run like a man
which means nothing to an animal
why not run like a woman
they're all the same
the meaning behind these sentiments
can only be found in song
your song

these things
i hold dear
are tucked up inside of me
next to my abdomen i keep them warm and safe
but they feed off of me
you see my purple sunken eyes
i'm being drained
it's the force i know
and choose to be part of

i'll keep my truest song a secret
until
until..
until...
i hope i don't fade away first

hello?

a stranger's vibrations emanate freely
from an iphone
they travel through space and reach a satellite shaped organ
tiny hairs of the inner ear tickle and electrical signals are fired to the brain
and translated.
thoughts, pictures, and words in the mind
then emotion
as intense familiarity clutches
a human.

cue
[[[[memory]]]]


sudden warmth creeps over this man,
the cheeks flush,
he is acutely aware of the heart -
not felt most of  it's daily existence -
but now, it pounds, it pounds, it pounds,
physically.
[[[[[the first sensation of parted soft warm lips on your own]]]]]
the phone is ringing.
tiny drops of moisture under his arms, between his legs
a slight tingling up the spine,
an excited rush of joy
of anxiety
of nervousness
of fear
of hope
of curiosity
of desire

he takes a deep breath
stares at the screen
he thought he was forgotten?
a million unanswered questions
another breath
a smile

letting go
is a battle