when you blow yr whistle, blow it loud

cool breeze over the water. bow pointed not so meaningfully towards an unknown destination. passengers asleep in a euphoric haze.

connecting dots, the sum total of her existence. she's only awake. she only is waking. her awakening.

hours passing, sunrise. an interlude to the wandering, a prelude to the wondering. 

the pool

he waddled up to the diving board, looked over his kingdom, looked meaningfully to the horizon, then laid out a ball buster dive into 11 feet of water. a swan into flight. his launch was an ascension into the motherly water of our birth. she waited there for him, arms open, moving to receive him, reshaping around his form. jello.

the crowd cringed and held their breath. a watermelon rind held at mid-slurp, it's juices flooding a human's chin running into the sunscreen on her arms. a knife to carve dropped onto a toe that never noticed.

the 2 rotation flip in the summer of our present. her gaze never felt so near. your ability to epitomize the cool.

today i woke up irritable and tired so i went to wal-mart to buy things to make me feel better. along the way i crushed a bug and it died with it's sticky matter frying on the pavement. i took a few minutes to study the guts and headed back the way i came.

miley cyrus' we can't stop started looping in my head and life felt meaningful and paralyzingly lonely as i walked through the empty strip mall of my youth.

REDEFINED

Full sensory experience.

Quiet moments, sitting alone on my porch in the middle of a city, facing a peaceful park space with trees in full spring greenness. Birds chirping. The smell of new living punctuated by car emissions. Alone with my thoughts, regardless of a million distractions.

Happiness and contentedness mingling with sadness and the potential of failure. Realization of all that I can, all that I will, and all that can not and will not.

Stay. Go.

I wonder, I wander. 

RUN AND BE MERRY: a brief meditation

The past few months have been a trying time. I entered unemployment with no warning and little confidence. It's been a long and tough winter, especially since I was ready to quit that job anyways.

Still, it took me 3 months to gather up the pieces and get my confidence back. The last month has been amazing. Becoming completely in-step with who you are is so important. Why fake an interview when you can be completely yourself and at ease? I'm tired of trying to hide my past or parts of me to conform to whatever job I am applying for. This idea of doing whatever it takes to join the ranks is gone for me. I am a different person, a bit quirky, unique, but I am interesting, fluent with people of all types, and I truly care. Confidence isn't some kind of concrete thing that requires wearing a suit or acting a certain way, it's knowing yourself in and out, and deciding to be that person that you are. It's being present and not allowing the past to bog you down.

I interviewed for my dream job a month into unemployment and completely botched it, almost every aspect of it. I felt phony too, to the point where I downplayed all of my skills, experience, online presence, and personality. Now, it's different.

I ran in Rock Creek Park today, nothing but shoes and a pair of shorts, blazing up trails and down the sides of hills. I came to a bridge overlooking the rushing water with giant boulders strewn about. Seventy degrees, perfectly blue skies, sun on my skin. I meditated for a while. Ephemeral thoughts trickled in and out of my skull as the water cascaded and pooled.

I'm uncertain of the future. But I am happy. And I've been happy. I know what I want, and I am leading myself there, slowly, and surely.

2013

A long road         seems to be related to pensive passes of the pen
fear
fear
fear
hate

wind to bleach bone

snow packed into floating cloud

glimpse half illuminated moon

-your light poured over a dark rock-

creation of my mind

haunt me still

defied

"let me tell you boy"
did you ever really have an idea?
my mind harbors rampaging children
in multitudes
kicking and screaming
running to their rooms
packing their things
and leaving into the night.
run away together
horde of the defiant and lost.

flight for these

this rote

routine

repetition

in my dreams at night where they have no place 

in my eyes in closing where they have no home

the escape must be complete if the invasion has been made

pass the ice

we're riding down this hill it stretches all the way to the city

the wind in our ears, nose and mouth

your skin peels away you are left as you were born

a natural face is revealed

you are beautiful

let's ride into the night these flashing neon lights

my rims as they spin and your pupils as they echo the truth

in our hearts

there is nothing planned

no fear 

nothing uneasy

our childlike existence dwarfed by the exhilaration of living

this night is ours