Saturday, October 29, 2011

two cowards in love

follow up

i think jordan said this to me a few days ago when i was home. i was telling him about this girl who was all about me after a couple dates and just was (imo) coming on way too strong. it forced me away, and i ran from that. i was telling him this girl was crazy and he said, simply "maybe she just liked you". so simple, so practical, but this stopped me dead in my tracks and put a lot of things in perspective.

to me it seemed like there was no way a rational and logical person could fall for a person so quickly and just be completely desperate...because i was thinking only about myself. i'm often extremely cynical about love, though i remain a hopeless romantic and idealist at the same's quite the paradox.

so when i put myself in her shoes, finally, and made the connection that maybe she felt something strongly for me and decided to not hide it, it blew me away. maybe she wasn't 'crazy' but just consumed with a feeling for me and wanting desperately to express it. it almost filled me with guilt for being such a dick. still, that's life, sometimes (many times?) it's not meant to be. if your feelings are not reciprocated you can come off as clingy, obsessive, 'too strong', or crazy. the take away is that it's important to remember this - that people are not like this to every person they meet (and if they are, then ya, they are crazy), they don't profess strong feelings immediately if they don't feel them earnestly.

even more relevant was experiencing this myself in the past year, being on the other end of it as the one who comes on strong. indeed, i am a reserved and fairly slow to move gentleman with plenty of cautionary walls up all over the to be the one helplessly pursuing someone and realizing they might be thinking of me as the clingy crazy bro sorta humbled me and blew my mind, just as jordan's comments the other day halted me dead still and slammed an insight into my head.

it takes a lot of courage to come out and just show it, to share how you truly feel about someone with that someone. and you take that risk of it not being reciprocated, and being made to feel like a crazy fool. dopamine and neuropeniphrine (SP??) are a HELL OF A SET OF DRUGS. but to sit back and let it fester inside of you can destroy you utterly, eventually. i had an extremely close friend who suffered through this until they could not hold it in any longer, and it literally destroyed them.

so here's to being honest...most of the time.

this same dilemma has been reflected on in my past writing in tweet haiku's and blog entries, i believe titled "two cowards in love" either that or it's in one of my journals. two cowards in love, indeed. if it consumes you, let it out.