Saturday, October 29, 2011

two cowards in love

follow up

i think jordan said this to me a few days ago when i was home. i was telling him about this girl who was all about me after a couple dates and just was (imo) coming on way too strong. it forced me away, and i ran from that. i was telling him this girl was crazy and he said, simply "maybe she just liked you". so simple, so practical, but this stopped me dead in my tracks and put a lot of things in perspective.

to me it seemed like there was no way a rational and logical person could fall for a person so quickly and just be completely desperate...because i was thinking only about myself. i'm often extremely cynical about love, though i remain a hopeless romantic and idealist at the same's quite the paradox.

so when i put myself in her shoes, finally, and made the connection that maybe she felt something strongly for me and decided to not hide it, it blew me away. maybe she wasn't 'crazy' but just consumed with a feeling for me and wanting desperately to express it. it almost filled me with guilt for being such a dick. still, that's life, sometimes (many times?) it's not meant to be. if your feelings are not reciprocated you can come off as clingy, obsessive, 'too strong', or crazy. the take away is that it's important to remember this - that people are not like this to every person they meet (and if they are, then ya, they are crazy), they don't profess strong feelings immediately if they don't feel them earnestly.

even more relevant was experiencing this myself in the past year, being on the other end of it as the one who comes on strong. indeed, i am a reserved and fairly slow to move gentleman with plenty of cautionary walls up all over the to be the one helplessly pursuing someone and realizing they might be thinking of me as the clingy crazy bro sorta humbled me and blew my mind, just as jordan's comments the other day halted me dead still and slammed an insight into my head.

it takes a lot of courage to come out and just show it, to share how you truly feel about someone with that someone. and you take that risk of it not being reciprocated, and being made to feel like a crazy fool. dopamine and neuropeniphrine (SP??) are a HELL OF A SET OF DRUGS. but to sit back and let it fester inside of you can destroy you utterly, eventually. i had an extremely close friend who suffered through this until they could not hold it in any longer, and it literally destroyed them.

so here's to being honest...most of the time.

this same dilemma has been reflected on in my past writing in tweet haiku's and blog entries, i believe titled "two cowards in love" either that or it's in one of my journals. two cowards in love, indeed. if it consumes you, let it out.

Friday, October 28, 2011


a serious question

i was listening to a song a few minutes ago and started daydreaming...

tell me,
what is crazier:
to fall in love and express it,
with the chance of being rejected and heartbroken,
reduced to an unstable mass of emotion
to wait,
to hold it inward,
to never express,
to survive weeks of silence from the ration of one kiss,
patiently watching, waiting,
but paralyzed with fear of loss and rejection of the loved,
 silently living in torture until it overcomes and destroys you?

false dichotomy? is there a middle ground? there is, i feel, but discuss these two: which is crazier?

Sunday, October 16, 2011


the warmth of the sun
on the salt of my skin
the sting of the sand
on the hairs of my naked body

run until it hurts with
sunburned blue eyes

never content but
perfectly satisfied
to lock gaze with ocean eyes
that mesh so well with your own
to follow a flash of life
into an awakening dream
to sit on the hands of the wind
only to realize she was already there and waiting
i can't tell if it was an hour or a year
when you laid down upon the sand
my mind is still there now
every nuanced movement seemed to slip into a river of time
and it flowed, was flowing, and will always flow
with no start or finish
you turn your head to look at me
i look down at you
i step closer
a perfect seal, our lips, with just the right amount of pressure
yours part and a laugh reveals volumes
but i remain stoic
our eyes go for a dance as they break free
it's happening again
i hope my smile is mysterious

Thursday, October 13, 2011

head explosion

track 6

i would do anything for you
foster the people
andrew says...
what's new with you

oh btw kierkegaard


best of pitchfork
jobsearch GIS jobs
(6) new updates

are you going to p den?
apply server, clarion
national park service law enforcement training
topher says hola
how goes it?
aaron nicholas steely has left a new comment
iphone notification

are you still at your oc address?
track 6
i would do anything for you

track 7
houdini  scrobbling on
disappear now

Monday, October 10, 2011

'in between jobs'
i will eat corn meal
and banana peels
to keep myself from
thinking too hard
about this nothing

but if one more
person asks
what i'm doing
this winter

i will 
up and
in 2k11

Sunday, October 9, 2011

life is an adventure

been ramping up my mileage.
40-50 miles/week. all barefoot or in merrell trail gloves.

i'll be unemployed come tuesday.

one door closes, two open  is what i keep telling myself.

the world is at my fingertips, where to go next?

if only money wasn't an issue. money. money. debt. fucking money.