a scent stronger than that musk
they wear on a saturday night god it is
so intoxicating it is wafting in through the vents and the
windows that i shut so tight but it is 
still coming through and oh my 
god i think it is permeating my skin it is coming inside my
precious skin my skin is being assaulted it might be that it is
inside me or is it outside i am shutting the door i am running away i left
the house is it gone it is gone 
oh thank 
god no it is still here it is in my nose i am on the asphalt i am rolling in the ice and stones the stones
and ice and bloodiness they are cleansing me they are cleaning me and scrubbing it away it is disappearing
oh good my skin is gone it is saturday night what are you saying what what 
oh
oh ya
i like that cologne too

saudade

best of 2010 in music

did a top 20 lp's and top 10 ep's of 2010 according to my listening tastes. 

top 20 here
top 10 here

my mom writes poetry

My Mother's Hands

(By my Mom, Patricia Steely)

Fingers long and thin,

Unadorned,

Just a simple

Gold wedding band.

Nails tough, yet tenderly maintained:

These were my mother’s hands.

These were the hands

That rocked me with her strength,

Dressed me within her protective care,

Fed me from her sustenance,

 And kneaded my imagination.

Her hands soothed and scolded,

Guided and provided,

Only to be pushed away

By my hands

And the assertion:

“I can do it by myself.”

When my hands held

My firstborn child,

I could better understand,

How the hands that hold,

Can find it hard to let go.

In time, her wrinkled hands

 Pushed mine away.

I’d reach for her arm and elbow,

As she walked unsteadily,

Only to meet her resistance:

“I can do it by myself.”

Eventually, we both grasped

The firm comfort of our hands

In rhythm together:

My right hand in her left,

As my left hand supported her left elbow:

And in stride we would walk.

Until swollen and plump,

With mounds of skin swallowing

Her wedding band,

Wired and taped,

Steroided and sedated,

With tender blue, purple bruises-

Her hands lay quiet to the beat of the Ventilator.

So, her hands I held,

And I let her go.

And as she breathed

Her very last breath,

Her spirit took flight

At her physical death.

Yes, I fully understand

How the hands that hold

Can find it so terribly hard

 to let go.

-Patricia T. Steely

Written:  May 12, 2005

Revised:  May30, 2005

Read at Mom’s funeral

Originally posted at spirit songs 

musings

How does an infinitely dense universe become a vast and spacious one? And how is it filled with matter?


of the moment thought processes, musings, a small brain fart into existence:
the universe, a living thing, as a human grows from a fertilized egg.
hierarchies are real illusions (paradox?). we are all of the universe.
time/perception is relative to size.
'our' time is subjective to 'our' existence
planetary time is subjective to a planet's existence
universal time, to the universe
a cell, to the cell's existence
an ant, an elephant, etc.


the universe is an active living thing, expanding as it grows

experiment in sound

last year around december 23rd ish the steely children got together with their favorite people, the evans children.  it resulted in many fun things unrecorded and undocumented.  after a few bottles of shared wine and some other libations this appeared on someone's iphone... 
bleep bleeps n blahs

swaying with the crowd, alone i dreamt

for all that it isn't 
it's everything i need

for every moment that passes too quickly,
there's still eternity.

sitting on the steps
eyes closed
tripping

over thoughts that come back
around to the same worn path.
the gate is open.
it's a straight path 
through beautiful country -
vibrant tall grass padded down
by gentle plodding of adventurous children
they run by consumed with wonder, 
imaginations running wild.
clean blue sky, occasional billowing clouds,
the entire scene lain over with a golden aura.
no houses in sight save one
laughter, happiness
pervade every detail

standing up and swaying gently
why does everyone seem to stare so coldly?
the gate, closed.
drifting images,
blackness closes in,
the smell of lavender,
your face,
then, 


nothing.

dr. robert sapolsky

pyschologically
depression is essentially
"aggression turned inwards"

biologically
depression is essentially
"neurotransmitters out of wack"

personally
depression is essentially
"everyone and everything is almost as fucked as me"

surfing y'all

neoprene thickness is wrapped delicately around my supple flesh.
counter-intuitively i paddle into chilly waters with chillier air temperatures
upon a floating fiberglass stick which is the cataylst of pure pleasure.
dwarfed by hazy pinks and vibrant oranges juxtaposed with sky blues and royal indigos,
the sun sets as my steed leads me down the breaking face of an oceanic slab of paradise...


i entered to win glasser/twin shadow tickets.


i briefly flirted with being ironically funny, but decided to just be poetically honest.  we'll see how it works for me.

'life is long for those that live it' -me

morning routine, during my morning routine

sleeping in colder months can be lonely
when there's no warmth
to spread your arms around
but if you practice anything hard enough
you can become skilled
and i am currently crushing it


a few more alarms later
i'm eating my oats 
and drinking the best damn coffee
it assaults the viscous goo in my brain

and fluidizes it, maybe in 30 minutes i'll be able to think

my coffee, fresh ground and french pressed to perfection
fucking pretentious
and delicious
there's no point to this right now


check ya later

father's age

25 years old
in another year my father would be
married to my mom who was even younger
and she had a child while i was becoming independent
my dad could barely grow a beard and i
can barely grow a beard
how did they do it
why is love so crazy
i don't know anything
even with all these experiences
it takes a moment to forget it all and become confused
my parents
my life
i keep minimizing my screen because
i am at work and i am scared that
people read what i write but they have no
idea
really

dad, me

lean in closer 
our freckled eyes locked in time
my skin it tingles


___________________________


my mind is aflight
body screaming for your kiss
my mouth fails to speak

rally to restore sanity was so sweet

watch it all here!


i was about a mile away from main stage at the beginning, and by the end just about 200 yards away

sigh

some nights life feels unbearable
lord knows i'm lonely

in the darkness of the night 

my soul is eclipsed by dark realizations
life will not pass me by


by morning it's gone
hope springs forth with every sunrise
and every waking breath exhaled
is a step forward

mycleansky.com

i'm hot
i'm irritable
my phone keeps ringing
awkward conversations
you said i don't radiate confidence
in a traditional sense
fuck my brain feels like cement
i battle falling asleep if i drive at night now
caffeine lulls me to sleep as i crash and float
away

my eyes are tired and my tooth just hurt for a few seconds

it's fall
i have time to write again
92% of the ocean city population has left
me to my thoughts and devices


i'm off the stand, now we just respond to 911 calls, until mid-october.  then i visit cities and maybe wooded areas and surf and be a teacher again.

tennessee

you look out your  cabin portal

to a sky filled with stars and

the white dusty trail of the milky way.

you exist in an exhausted stupor, 

lucid and transcendent,

your day of creation finished;

the pools of mirrored cerulean tears still 

evaporating into clouds 

as the warmth of the moonlight

reaches your heart.

we look to the same moon tonight.

in the morning you wake 

to the gentle breeze over your skin

scented of the morning grass, vibrant green in it's summer health.

the pleasant call of the morning dove 

gently harmonizes with the world outside.

the tears of yesterday have risen

slowly to heaven

their once deep blue richness now brilliant white and comforting.

of your eyes, tears, of your tears, clouds.

vitality is in the air

and in every breath that girl

that was robbed of her innocence

heals.

facebook chat about cody simpson

Me

bro

12:37pmAndrew

bro

12:37pmMe

iyiyiy

12:37pmAndrew

okay

that iyiyiyi

song

12:37pmMe

hahaha

12:37pmAndrew

is so catchy

but what the fuck

12:37pmMe

exactly

12:37pmAndrew

it is like. so.

12:37pmMe

i posted it as a joke man

12:37pmAndrew

i know i know

i know, but like. damn.

its a good song, and that kid is like cute?

12:38pmMe

ya

12:38pmAndrew

and the video is nice? but everything about it seems super eerie

and creep

12:38pmMe

that's what i was thinking too

12:38pmAndrew

y

12:38pmMe

it reminds me of when i was like 15

12:38pmAndrew

like a sunkist and hollister commerical rolled in one

12:38pmMe

ya true

it makes me think he is being controlled hardcore by some company that was like BE OUR POSTER BOY WE'LL MAKE U FAMOUS

12 YEAR OLDS WILL CREAM ThEMSELVES

12:39pmAndrew

man

they already are

im creamin myself

12:39pmMe

ya he's like infectiously cute

and the song is infectiously catchy

and the girl he flirts with is adorable

and the song is adorable

and i watched it thinking I HATE THIS/LOVE IT

12:40pmAndrew

dude

thats how i feel

like

this is what i do now

when im 22

i ride bikes with friends on teh beach

and end up drinking sparking sodas

12:41pmMe

hahaha

12:41pmAndrew

he looks like a girl.

it looks like he still has baby teeth

12:41pmMe

ya he's mad young

so when i watched it i thought all those things

then was like hahahahah this is good/fucking retarted i think i ironically like it

so i tried to post it ironically

hahaha

12:43pmAndrew

lol

the thing is

this could be a soulja song

easliy

12:44pmMe

lol

true

12:44pmAndrew

the entire song

sounds like the hook of a lil wayne song

12:45pmMe

well, it's hilarious that this lil kid is being branded as surfer/cute boy/australian, it's just like they manufactured this song just to throw out the summer vibes. you put it best - sunkist/hollister rolled into one. and it all seems phony haha

but at the same time...it fills me with a longing to be like 15 and be doing that, as if it would actually happen

12:46pmAndrew

yeah

i know

i wish i still had my baby teeth

12:48pmMe

hahahahaha

bro

my penis is big though

don't wanna trade that

and i have nice pubes

don't wanna be counting

again

12:48pmAndrew

big penis

yeah okay

12:48pmMe

i mean

bigger than when i was 14-15

12:48pmAndrew

my old gay co worker

saw the undie run pics

12:48pmMe

not big

12:48pmAndrew

and he was like

your white friend looks like he has a big dick

12:49pmMe

oh damn

glad i stuft

12:49pmAndrew

whatever

it was the glowsticks!

12:50pmMe

ya ! dude i was so embarassed about that pic

i might hae untagged i forget

12:50pmAndrew

hahhaha

its yr mom

cmon

god

im gonna get this kids album now

christ

12:51pmMe

bahahahaha

yr hooked

lol

"it's ur mom, cmon"

best quote ever

;)

hahah

12:52pmAndrew

hahahhaha

boy that boy is clever

12:52pmMe

witty 4 sure

12:54pmAndrew

lol

omg

the song

cut off just for a commercial

right intne middle of the song

12:54pmMe

hahahahaha

4 sunkist?

12:56pmAndrew

lol

no

something lame

12:57pmMe

ride the chill surf waves yo

cody simpson

my hero

mad kewt bitches n surfs gnar waves

12:58pmAndrew

hahahahah

yeah

!

whats the deal!

hes not surfing in this video at all!

oh wait

he did

he rode like

a tiny ass wave

12:58pmMe

they made it look like he was surfing by cutting to it quick then cutting out

12:58pmAndrew

all decked out in his bodyglove?

12:59pmMe

image maker

lol ya

he's paddling out

12:59pmAndrew

thats so gaqy

12:59pmMe

he's australian

12:59pmAndrew

theyre like waxingtheir boards

12:59pmMe

obvi he has to surf

12:59pmAndrew

for half the video

australian. oooo

girls like that

12:59pmMe

air france music vid so much more legit

'no excuses' real surfers

12:59pmAndrew

hahaha

i was really confused why they chose surfing for that video

but its kinda kool considering the water is freezing

1:00pmMe

no excuses, paradise can be found

in any situation

1:00pmAndrew

no excuses

aw

1:01pmMe

even in 32 degree water

1:03pmMe

anyways dude i gotta do laundry

1:04pmAndrew

okay