the weekend

sometimes i experience a void in my life, an emptiness that stems from desiring a deeper connection with people. i just moved to DC a couple months ago and my social circle is slow to build. saturday my roomy was out of town, and the girls i was going out with bailed, so i went out alone. i ran into a friend at the place i went, but after he left it left me feeling just extremely alone.

so these feelings persisted, and last night [sunday] i went to cafe saint ex because i was lonely. i went to have a beer and to just sit and think and open myself up to the possibility of having a conversation with a stranger though i am paralyzed at the thought of starting that conversation.

after sitting in an enjoyable peace for a while a gentleman approached me and started making conversation. and he wasn't hitting on me. turns out this man, Primo, is an extremely smart philosopher/scientist and we traded words for quite a while. or should i say he absolutely schooled me on all things. and even as i would begin to counter a point he had made he would already have a mind blowing counter-counter argument to sway my thoughts. incredible. i've only ever encountered such genius a few times in my life. and to find this type of intellectual connection of which i've been desperately desiring at my exact time of loneliness/need is incredible. he was a european who had lived in nyc for the past 17 years and now lived in dc. phd in neuroscience. extremely well read. articulate and informative, i feel as if i was blessed with more information in one night than if i read 7 different books.

recently i've been listening to the band the books, and one line that really sticks with me in one of their songs is "if we have no expectations, we have nothing to be upset about", and indeed, last night was a prime example of such a worldview. i forced myself out of the apartment, biked downtown, and had only one intention which was to drink a good beer. the rest played itself out as i could only have hoped. 

there is no where i feel more fulfilled than when i am out surfing or on a trail snaking up a ridge, miles from humanity.

specifically, this past weekend i tried my hand at 'fastpacking' which is the slang for trail running and backpacking. you basically run with all your gear. i packed everything i needed including a hatched strapped to my chest and set off into the cold blue ridge mountains in preparation for an even colder night (15-18 degrees fahrenheit at 1450' where i met my mother and sister and set up camp). at first the weight seemed like it would force me to move extremely slow for most of the trail, but it turns out my body quickly adjusted and i was soon navigating the rocky appalachian trail as fleetly as if i was carrying no gear.

i had everything i needed to survive - tools, fire, first aid kit, light, food, water and warmth. with these essentials i could survive up to a week without resupply (i was only gone 2 days so no need to bring more food and water). i was completely self-sustainable, relying on my own strength and agility to carry me over the trail and my intellect and (limited) experience to survive. it was freeing, simple, and exhilarating.

this adventure is in stark contrast to my new life. i wake up, eat, fuck around on the internet, run, and go to work for 8-10 hours. while i sit at my computer i literally feel as if my life is being sucked out of me. i live a privileged life that makes everything i say sound as if i'm whining, but circumstance and personal happiness are intricate things. many people jump at a chance to have any job, let alone a full time job with full benefits. but i've never measured my success traditionally. success for me is personal happiness.

i'll spare any potential readers anymore of this journal-like entry, and save that for my journal. rather, i think some important issues are brought to light in these times, and it's important to highlight them even if it's just as a seemingly simple short story, so as to implant them in the memory for future rumination. 

"does yor hart no longer receive me? you giv me nothing, no semblance of desire(s), not even the brea(d)th of yor voice, and above all else i am refused then taunted"

message of man

a baby cries in floors above

||          |(her effort is the catalyst of a quick release back into dream)

broken but emphatically alive

|          ||(you have no reason to be upset, and your lament no longer lulls you into sleep)

a man sobs in shadow

to woman

dreams of unspeakable horror
unknowable terror