some of the saddest words ever uttered

notes

the words arranged on this paper cause me to imagine

i am in a headspace divorced from this time and this moment
i have traveled to your moment, imaginary and real
i recreate every letter that was born into existence by the flick of your pen

your hand did dance over this tree reformed
it's a wonder-full and complicated story
how do i come to know this piece of your mind
what made me so special
am i special at all

strange, these inanimate things, these objects
they carry so much meaning when touched by shapes we have agreed to understand
this communication that captures your emotions
your emotions for me
a whisper to my eye
a secret born in sense

an object charged with the electrical impulse of your brain
fuck, god, FUCK
my mind is continuously blown
it was your brain that created this symbol of feeling
and i feel it ...

i feel it

it pulses strong
it pulses stronger now

the words
feelings
imaginary and real

12/17/13

a blank
young man
none assumes

and there
a story
in lines
beneath the eye

struggle solipsism

and the question
the question
the question

what is the question

we all are searching
we are all searching?

am i searching for
some
thing

some

that cant be found
cant
cannot be found

are we all searching
struggling

are we hiding

is it just me
is it just me

when you blow yr whistle, blow it loud

cool breeze over the water. bow pointed not so meaningfully towards an unknown destination. passengers asleep in a euphoric haze.

connecting dots, the sum total of her existence. she's only awake. she only is waking. her awakening.

hours passing, sunrise. an interlude to the wandering, a prelude to the wondering. 

the pool

he waddled up to the diving board, looked over his kingdom, looked meaningfully to the horizon, then laid out a ball buster dive into 11 feet of water. a swan into flight. his launch was an ascension into the motherly water of our birth. she waited there for him, arms open, moving to receive him, reshaping around his form. jello.

the crowd cringed and held their breath. a watermelon rind held at mid-slurp, it's juices flooding a human's chin running into the sunscreen on her arms. a knife to carve dropped onto a toe that never noticed.

the 2 rotation flip in the summer of our present. her gaze never felt so near. your ability to epitomize the cool.

today i woke up irritable and tired so i went to wal-mart to buy things to make me feel better. along the way i crushed a bug and it died with it's sticky matter frying on the pavement. i took a few minutes to study the guts and headed back the way i came.

miley cyrus' we can't stop started looping in my head and life felt meaningful and paralyzingly lonely as i walked through the empty strip mall of my youth.

REDEFINED

Full sensory experience.

Quiet moments, sitting alone on my porch in the middle of a city, facing a peaceful park space with trees in full spring greenness. Birds chirping. The smell of new living punctuated by car emissions. Alone with my thoughts, regardless of a million distractions.

Happiness and contentedness mingling with sadness and the potential of failure. Realization of all that I can, all that I will, and all that can not and will not.

Stay. Go.

I wonder, I wander. 

RUN AND BE MERRY: a brief meditation

The past few months have been a trying time. I entered unemployment with no warning and little confidence. It's been a long and tough winter, especially since I was ready to quit that job anyways.

Still, it took me 3 months to gather up the pieces and get my confidence back. The last month has been amazing. Becoming completely in-step with who you are is so important. Why fake an interview when you can be completely yourself and at ease? I'm tired of trying to hide my past or parts of me to conform to whatever job I am applying for. This idea of doing whatever it takes to join the ranks is gone for me. I am a different person, a bit quirky, unique, but I am interesting, fluent with people of all types, and I truly care. Confidence isn't some kind of concrete thing that requires wearing a suit or acting a certain way, it's knowing yourself in and out, and deciding to be that person that you are. It's being present and not allowing the past to bog you down.

I interviewed for my dream job a month into unemployment and completely botched it, almost every aspect of it. I felt phony too, to the point where I downplayed all of my skills, experience, online presence, and personality. Now, it's different.

I ran in Rock Creek Park today, nothing but shoes and a pair of shorts, blazing up trails and down the sides of hills. I came to a bridge overlooking the rushing water with giant boulders strewn about. Seventy degrees, perfectly blue skies, sun on my skin. I meditated for a while. Ephemeral thoughts trickled in and out of my skull as the water cascaded and pooled.

I'm uncertain of the future. But I am happy. And I've been happy. I know what I want, and I am leading myself there, slowly, and surely.

2013